My homage to management consulting for failing corporations

If your problems are cliché and the solutions are obvious, but you just can’t stop whining about how hard it is to succeed, Shut the Fuck Up Consulting will put you on a collision course with the absolute truth. We have the life experience to spotlight your issue, get you on your knees, and rub your nose in it. That’s why the biggest companies in the world call on us to bring their organizations into alignment with reality. We believe you do have the power to succeed, and we’ll show you how. All you have to do is Shut the Fuck Up!

Ego Smack-Down

Our Ego Smack-Down methodology builds organizational leadership by focusing on the relationship between the need to win and the fear of sharing power. We’ll put your C-suite chimps in a conference room for eight hours blaring last year’s PowerPoint presentations as we tie their tails together and then pull the fire alarm. The process of deciding which way to run, who will lead, and who will be dragged along by the tail, reveals the essence of effective leadership; humbling A-types as they learn to walk-not-run, and empowering underachievers to man-up or drag everyone else to their doom. Developed by two semi-famous B-school dropouts, the Ego Smack-Down gives executives real-world leadership experience by threatening their lives.

Head Butt Mediation

Many executives believe organizational development is best done through consensus building and see their role as mediating competing interests. At Shut the Fuck Up Consulting, we believe consensus is the road to mediocrity. If everyone in your organization shares the same vision, chances are it’s not a very original idea and you won’t get very far with it as a competitive differentiator. Using our Head Butt Mediation methodology, we line up stakeholders at opposite ends of the conference table and encourage them to bash heads. Eventually, the floor is covered with blood, the pansies are hiding in the corner, and the weak ideas have been eliminated. That’s when we pass out coffee and donuts and let the winners take over the white board. Leveraging proven principles of Darwinian Succession, Head Butt Mediation puts your organization on the path to exceptionalism.

Amputee Line Dance

Is your supply chain out of step with your distribution channels? Is the lack of coordination between your procurement and inventory management depressing your bottom line? Shut the Fuck Up Consulting smoothes the bump and grind of supply and demand utilizing a technique originally developed in the Middle East by big box hardliners. We take your top suppliers on a ten-day retreat to a hidden location along with your procurement team.  After four hours of open bar, each person loses a leg. For the next nine days participants learn to share each other’s pain. They assist each other in making it back to the bar through an intricate process of leaning and hopping. By the time they’re ready to head home, not only do they have an established rhythm, they can do a line dance around your warehouse without spilling their beer. According to the Harvard Business Review, the Amputee Line Dance is “the final solution for organizations challenged by balancing mission critical processes.”

Train Wreck Change Management

Change management strategies come in all shapes and sizes, often packaged to make you feel like the process can be contained, controlled, and even concealed. At Shut the Fuck Up Consulting we see change for what it is — a train wreck. Our Train Wreck Change Management immersion experience improves your organization’s chances of survival by building your capacity to adapt to change rapidly and continuously. Your vice presidents will set up a miniature railroad, each with their name on a boxcar loaded with six frogs. The lowest level employee in the company is assigned the role of conductor and given the controls that set the speed and direction of the train. The VPs must keep the frogs on the train and the train must be kept moving on the track for 24 hours. At the end of the experience, each frog is worth $10,000 on or off the VPs paycheck.

Video documentation of this exercise reveals the rapid alignment and realignment of interests as VPs engage in high-speed creative problem solving and continuously shifting strategic alliances, while managing hunger, ickiness, and physical exhaustion. Twelve hours into the game a starving cat enters the room. Emotions fray as participants experience a shared sense of loss over fallen frogs, perhaps the end of a child’s college education, or the loss of a leased sports car. Ultimately, competitors learn to pool their resources. Individuals who never imagined getting their hands dirty nurse wounded frogs. And your organization is transformed through the collective experience of trauma.

Shut the Fuck Up Consulting delivers fearless advice to global clients scared shitless by circumstances they could manage if only they had the balls.  So don’t just sit there trembling in fear, hiding behind your email while your value takes a dive. Let us help you grow a pair. We’ve got an arsenal of radical truths designed to disrupt the bad habits that got you in this mess. We’re here to help. All you have to do is Shut the Fuck Up and listen.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011 at 11:13 am and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.